Interview with a Concerned Citizen
L.Y. ~ Welcome everyone. I don’t usually do interviews on my blog, but I ran into an old acquaintance I hadn’t seen in years at the beer store in Hillsborough, and we started reminiscing about old times. He asked if he could use my blog to spew off some steam, and I agreed. If you are of a sensitive nature, please stop reading and go to another blog, as my guest is not only colorful, he has a bit of a potty mouth. I make no excuses for this, but you have been warned, there may be explicit and colorful words and descriptions used by my guest.
L.Y. ~ So, Locknut, why don’t you introduce yourself to my readers.
Lonnie ~ Well first of all, I ain’t called Locknut no more. That was back in the days when I was a handyman. And don’t you be cleanin up my talk here today with yer fancy spellin and grammar crap. Just because you wrote two damn books, don’t make you no smarty pants.
L.Y. ~ Okay, word for word it is. So you just go by Lonnie now?
Lonnie ~ Well if you must know, my neighbors and me buddies calls me Lonnie the learn ed. I got that title by keeping my damn mouth shut for the past five years, but I can’t stand it no more. The idiot pile is getting higher around these here parts, and somebody’s got to say somethin. You can’t swing a dead road kilt raccoon without hitting an idiot. I’m tellin you they are everywhere. Well this here is Lonnie’s Lament, and I aim to speak my piece.
L.Y. ~ You seem pretty worked up, Lonnie. Have your say here. I’m sure my readers are taking this all in.
Lonnie ~ Well I ain’t gonna talk about the politicians. We all know their quota of idiots is endless, but I’m some fed up with just the normal people. I don’t know what happened or when it all went to shit. I told you I just shut my trap and listened for a spell, and I discovered that listenin was a big problem today. People don’t listen no more. Oh they wants to yap alright, and tell you how to run yer business, but they is all poor listeners. Bobby Jean told me about this internet thing. She said people spends all the damn day on some social media thingie tellin each other how to live their lives. We can’t get the signal back home, but I don’t think we be missing much.
Now I don’t know a whole lot about the internet, but I’m thinking it might have something to do with the rise in numbers of all these idiots. I told Bobby Jean my idear the other day. She’s the smartest and prettiest girl I know, and she told me my idear was a theory, which is a fancy word like you use, Lockie, but it just means idear.
You see it goes like this, when we was getting schoolin people told us how things is done. Certain way to do everything, like readin and writin. Well they don’t do that nomore. Now all the answers are on this internet thingie, and folks are expected to learn it on their own. Well somebody should have told the idiot I saw the other day how to parallel park, because this poor darlin was driving head first into the spot. Now credit where credit is due, she did park the thing and went about her business. Mind you the arse end of her car was stuck out in traffic, but the folks driving by talking on their cell phones didn’t seem to mind one bit. That’s why I hates goin into the damn city. It is full of idiots. Especially this time of the year with all the road fixin goin on. They put signs out way down the friggin road, with flashin lights tellin the idiots to pull the frig over. That lane ends. But no, they ride that lane right to the end where they can’t go nowhere but into the lane they shoulda got into way back. So they waits and inch their bumper ahead to get back into the right groove, but no, the other idiots runnin the roads won’t let the poor bitch in, because they are idiots. I counted about twenty of em right there and then.
Now let me tell you one thing. I woulda let the driver in iffin I had been at the front of the line. But I wasn’t was I? No I was at the end of that line of friggin idiots, and the two other idiots that joined the first one tryin to edge in.
L.Y. ~ So, for five years you’ve kept quiet and just listened to and observed people. Have you had any other insights, other than a rise in the idiot population?
Lonnie ~ Yer damn right I have, but most of my… insights you call it, also contributes to the idiot problem. Now don’t get me wrong. I think cell phones is a necessary evil in this here modern day, but it’s an idiot maker and everyone has one. Folks don’t listen and they don’t talk no more. I seen lots of people eatin dinner and never say two words, but their thumbs is so busy they can hardly shove a burger into their yap. That ain’t right. Folks should be talkin to each other. That’s the social part they forgot. And while we are talkin about forgettin, I had a terrible thing happen the other day. My little niece was showin me her letter to Santa. Now she is way past the printin stage in her schoolin, and when I asked her momma why she didn’t write to Santa, her momma told me she don’t know how. That ain’t right. When did they stop teachin that in the schools? So I ticked off another reason why there is a rise in the idiot population, because you can be damn sure they ain’t goin on no internet to learn how to write and pretty soon everyone will be forgettin how to do it.
L.Y. ~ Well, you certainly have some interesting theories. To close, do you have any positive thoughts for our future, or do you think we are just doomed?
Lonnie ~ Oh there’s hope. Even though there’s lots of idiots out there, and I think the population is on the rise, there is lots of smart folks too, like Bobby Jean, and you and a few others. I think it will be good if we can get the word out amongst the smart people that we are all on the slippery idiot slope, and if we don’t do something real quick, it will be too late. Maybe get the teachers to start teachin writin again. Yup, there is hope we won’t get overrun. In the meantime, don’t yell at them idiots. Do what I did and just listen. They all gives emself away sooner or later.
L.Y. ~ Thank you Lonnie for those interesting insights. I can certainly see how you’ve earned your nickname. This interview was taped in Edget’s Landing, with Lonnie from “Just say back country, Albert County.”